*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
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#oldknees
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life