The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
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Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
bought wrong eggs
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling