Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
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Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know