If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
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Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
<—- homeless romantic
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse