I’d love this before and after shot…lol
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Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
My dress code is business-casualty.
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
🤣🤣🤣
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.