(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
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What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.