Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
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Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
A new level of troll.
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.