Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
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Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
What a Brit says when all of their hopes and dreams are crushed:
“Ah well”
“Never mind, eh”
“Wasn’t meant to be”
“Shame”
“Could be worse”
“Such is life”
“Hey ho”
“Can’t be helped”
“Mustn’t grumble”
“Right”
“It is what it is”
“I knew it”
“We’re still alive… barely”
“At least it’s not raining”
“I’ll put the kettle on”
“We’ll laugh about this one day”
“Typical”
“Bugger”
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.