what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
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DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.