When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
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[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
jesus christ confetti not now
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT