Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
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Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.