Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
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INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
Alexa; make it look like an accident
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
I’m not stressed