Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
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Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
Every time.
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec