[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
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TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
There’s only one good girl here!