You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
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I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.