I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
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Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”