it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
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Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
#Caturday
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
me hitting on a model
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back