Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
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13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
ouch
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan