I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
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Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
*limbos away from your hug*
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
I have written yet another poem about laundry
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.