One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
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Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
My dryer is celebrating lint.
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
Not even remotely sorry.
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.