ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
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Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.