Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
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Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
pat pat
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.