Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
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The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it