ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
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[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
Someone just threatened to call me later
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
saw this in a dream
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”