“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
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Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
next level snooze
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude