I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
You Might Also Like
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.