Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
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My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
My teenage children choosing violence
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers