My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
You Might Also Like
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
christening a ship with an overripe banana
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
constantly working on myself.
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol