my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
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I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
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hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
😂😂😂😂😂😂
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no