[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
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Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing