My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
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ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.