Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
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If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.