Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
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Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
it is time once again
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity