*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
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Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college