What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
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[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
The three genders.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”