*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
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Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin