Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
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The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
It’s Dublin.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now