1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
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The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding