Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
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My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
We need more people like this.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
bias laundering edition
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function