“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
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*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
What about a To-Don’t List?
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
me: my friends:
your elf on the shelf was delicious
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.