Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
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M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
Tammy is short for Tamuel
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
work smarter, not harder
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.