“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
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Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
Guantanamo Bae
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.