Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
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“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
According to math, I’m broke
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?