“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
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A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.