Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
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can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
Who wants to be my Valentine?
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?