Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
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when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.