It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
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FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
Running from your problems is cardio .
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*