ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
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Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.