Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
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Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.