Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
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So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
That was easy.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.